Sunday, December 24, 2006

Ordinary Diary

I went to see Earth's Stage yesterday held in Osaka.
http://www.e-stageone.org/

It is a show of Mr. Kuwayama, a psychiatrist of Japan, who travel all over the world sometimes as a traveler or a international aid staff. Most of Japanse people are not concerned about world issue like poverty, natural disater, and war. Because Japan is the island located far east of Eurasia continent and Japanese govermnet had never sent any troops to overseas since the end of world war 2. His aim of Earth's Stage is to try to introduce problems of the world through his journey. He sings and talks with lots of pictures and video. It was amazing. He used easy words to make him understood for children. It was first time for most of the audience, about 2000 people, and me as well to see his show. It looked he send his important message to them, which was success. But I was wondering his way of convincing people is good or not. He describe this world as beautiful, I mean too beutiful. I understand his words very well. He said "Refugees on camp in Somalia and Cosovo and somewhere else are suffering. But they struggle to survive with positive thinkings and atitudes. I am surprised how children in the refugee camp smile and make a cheerful laghter. It was same after the ruin caused by big earthquake of Pakistan and Indonesia. I never thougt I am helping them. I am helped by the people who I offer my services to. Their courage to live, toughness, close relationships of family, which we lost long time ago......" It was nice, totally nice, but he never blamed on who start the wars, what causes world povety. It could be a right decision not to mention any of causes so that people who know nothing about how the problem trigered by idiot act. They never hurts, feel comfortable. But, now, right now, people are being killed in Iraq, in Palestine, or somewhere else, without any reason you can articulate, caused by the goverments who count money to get into their pockets, international companies who want to make money with oils after the gulf war... We never hurts, but those people under expensive bombs of USA army hurts. The million dollars of bombs and weapons which the total of Iraqi and Afgahn people can not afford with all of their money are destroying the life of the poor now, the resolute of ungency now. Fuck that. This world is wrong. I was talking to myself such a things.

My friends also came to the show. One of them, Atusko, who felt the same way as me said "The show was too beautful and perfect to join in. I felt detatched. Maybe I can not see things straight. Anyhow I felt it strange." She is working in Kobe as a NPO staff, a kind of social worker in a Japanese way. I agreed. But I did not say what I thought during the show. It was too dark. I mean I was thinking about the blood of Iraqi people, whose head was smashed by cluster bombs. I could not shut the image away, the image behind picture of beautiful moutains and natures Mr. Kuwayama was showing. It was a skull of small child shatterd by the bomb, there was a deep darkness inside the bone. I was thinking the truth is lying on the deep darkness, in the abyss I was seeing, the truth to lead the world to the right way. I was in a silnce, surround by good friends I love.

And then, I went to see one of my best friends, who is Bermese. He was an asylum seeker who detained in the detention house, which is Japanese Abu Ghraib prison, "Nyukan" for almost 2 years. He got married with a Japanese woman had baby last month. I saw him last time over 1 year ago. I was excited and looked forward to see him. We meet up again at the same old place as usual. We went to drink at a restaurant with a girl. She is the leader of peace movement in Osaka, named C. C is suffering from the depression. She have a mental doctor who give her some rules to keep, one of which is never go to drink. We broke the rule. I did not mean to. Maugn did that. I thought it was right and ,at least, she can learn from him how to cope with the depression. Maugn must have the depression in Nyukan detention house. But it was wrong. It turned out he have never got the depression in the hell. Anyways, we talked in the pub, talked about mainly "Marriage". We each have their own problems. C broke up with her boyfriend a month ago due to the depresson. Maugn have the frustraion of living with the partents of his wife. I have a girl friend who are working far away from me, in Oman, I have not seen her since past February, now that I start to think I should describe her as ex girlfrind. Every of us hurts. C said " I was told by my friends it was not good to break the relationship during the depression. But I did not break. It was him to say good bye. I know it was a bit too hard to keep it normal because of my sick. But..." Maugn said "If I were you, I will work on next one." I was just listening to her. I was trying to analyse her, my major was psychology which I hated to study. I was thinking the broken relationship is the main reason of the depression, but I was thinking another thing, which is the gender bias in Japan. C is able. Very able. Too able woman in Japanese society brings lots of envies and harrasments from idot men. She must have such a experiences through her activity. She was working in a welfare home in her local town just before she she got sick. "It was too much work for me. I felt strange day by day and I realized I am sick a month later." Maugn was listening to her carefully. "And I broke up with my boy friend. I do know why. We love each other, are fond of each other. But I came to feel I have some fears on him. Sometimes he got angry with the reason I do not understand. I was trying to make him easy. And then I realized my self I am afraid of him. I am afraid to say something which I concern to make him angry. It was difficult. "

Gender bias. The boyfriend also did not know or notice the reason why he himself was angry. He He can not name the anger he had. He can not, because if he name the feeling he has, it would show the fact that he has fear of C, I mean C's ablity. I guess that he must have give her a reason to be angry at random. "He did not like me when I am elated. I did not mean to show off." It is too complexed. They should have gone for counseling together. The problem is her boyfriend never ever wants to go for counseling because of his pride. Fuck Pride! Pride is the apartheid wall, the disorder prevents true love. Maugn showed a photo of his brand new baby. We laughed at the baby's face, which is funny and cute. Maugn was worrying about his baby does not look like him. No, he does not look like his father. I said "He looks like you When he grows upm and acts like you and annoys you a lot" I am such a sweet person who believe in that true love waits. C laughed, anyhow. I was hardly succeed to make her laugh. But she must have suspected she laughed at it because of her medication. Hard. Reminds me of the words of Samuel Becket,

" Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better"

It takes time to get over the hardship. But you will. You will fail better again. That is right.

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